What do animals know about the vacuum that we don't? Why are they in such a hurry to bolt from the room when that sucker comes out? I mean, the 12 year old runs when he sees it too, but its not like I'm gonna tell the cat the he needs to clean up his room with it. Why do they all do that?
Why do people think they become royalty when they enter the front door of a restaurant? The same guy that cuts you off in traffic, blows his yard trimmings into your yard, talks during your movie experience and throws his cigarette butt on the ground next to a trash can, somehow becomes The Burger King himself the moment he walks into an establishment that serves food.
Using the restroom in a restaurant this week, I could still hear the band loud and clear with the door closed. I imagined myself in a band and thought about a cool name. I decided I would open my eyes and derive a moniker from the first thing I saw. It's official: I will be headlining the 'Urinal Boogers' in my imaginary future.
Sitting at a red light in town, I knew that I was going to need to merge into the left lane just after the intersection. I knew that when the light changed I would need to get in front quickly so I could get over. The light changed and I sped up quickly through the interchange. The car next to me must have thought that I wanted to race and sped up too. I gunned it to make the merge and the guy in the car next to me pegged it too. I had to slam on the brakes or force him into oncoming traffic, seeing as how we were both doing 50 mph, I hit the brakes and looked over at him. He was making a face like I was crazy or something. Then he slowed to 30 as soon as I was behind him. I expect him to waltz into my restaurant sometime this week and start calling the staff "Idiots" when his limitless expectations are not met.
Renting a video from a local merchant, I was offered the opportunity to pay a monthly fee for unlimited usage. I noticed that there was a $25 surcharge for setting up an automatic transfer. I started to laugh to myself when I saw the fee amount. The teenage girl behind the counter asked what was so funny. I said "No... Nothing..." She persisted and I gave in. "I find it funny how you offer to take money out of people's bank accounts every month, and you charge them for it." She was instantly indignant. "We do that because the bank charges us!" At that moment in time, I got sucked in: "The bank charges you to run a credit or debit card? I mean, over and above the predetermined service fee you pay for any transaction paid for with a card?" She started burning a hole in me through hazel colored contacts. "Don't you have your own computer software that keeps track of each account and automatically sends a payment authorization to the bank on the day you are due? I mean, I have to come in to get the movie no matter what anyway, right? I mean, couldn't you just tell me I need to pay my monthly fee when I check out?" She walked away and a few moments later a woman I assumed to be her mother appeared and completed my transaction. She asked. Why do people do that?
I receive numerous phone calls during my radio shows. That are always complimentary, but this past Friday, I got one that was not. The featured artist was Bjork. I tell everyone about her in an introspective I call the 'Moment of Clarity'. It starts with a brief
bio at 8:15 and I play the artist for the remainder of the half hour. It is quite popular and I receive many requests for future shows. This Friday, however, I answered the phone to someone that was curious as to why I had played three Bjork songs in a row. I explained that he tuned into the middle of the 'Moment of Clarity' and the featured artist was Bjork this week. I further explained that it would last until 8:45 and then it would return to Classic Alternative, my usual show. He was incredulous. Speechless in fact. He stuttered for a moment and asked if this was WFCF. "Yup!" I retorted. "88.5? Really?" "Yeah! This is 88.5 WFCF... what can I DO FOR YOU???"
I didn't wait for a reply as I hung up.
I tip the kid at the movie theater that gets my popcorn. Just a buck - no biggie. I'll tell you, the look on their face is classic. I think I may start trying to tip my Pharmacist. "Thanks for the Synthroid. Here's a little something for your time." If they attempt to refuse it, I will give my best management stare and say "I insist!" Just a buck though. That makes it comical. I'll be the hit of the breakroom that afternoon. Surely.
People will squeeze into a tight parking spot between two giant SUV's when there are 85 open spots a few cars down.
I heard they don't throw rice at weddings anymore. They say the birds eat it and it's bad for their health. Cigarettes on the other hand, now come in grape and peach.
I should go and enjoy the rest of my day off. There will no doubt be an ordination of many kings and queens at work tomorrow.
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